Lessons from Big Slicey

I thought I'd follow up on the previous post a bit, because I have gotten a few comments from people who seem impressed by my ability to gracefully handle what I could have let be a crushing disappointment. Allow my to dispel those crazy illusions with a little something I like to call "Things No One Bothers to Tell You About Recovering From a C-Section".

1) You had better pray your husband is strong, and willing to wake up multiple times a night to pull you up to a sitting position so you can nurse your baby, because that task will be far too difficult to accomplish on your own.

2) You will need double the maxi pads that you needed with any previous non-surgical births. Half will be used for their intended purpose. The other half will be stuck horizontally across the waistband of your undies to protect your incision. You will gain extra points for being awesome, not to mention a sky-rocketing of your self-esteem, if you occasionally let the pad hang out of the top of your pants. Nothing too drastic; just a couple centimeters of exposed Kotex will do the trick.

3) Those friendly pain pills? The ones without whom you couldn't have survived the first ten days? It would be well worth your time to make friends with their non-narcotic cousin, the stool softener.

4) Speaking of which, forget any thoughts you may have had about escaping the dreadful experience known as the First Poo After Delivering a Baby (Poop of Terror, Scary Poo, etc.). It is just as frightening when you haven't even used that region to actually bring the baby into the world, courtesy of the incision threatening to explode your guts all over everything within a twelve foot radius if any strain is placed upon it.

5) And since we are on the topic of bowels and such, know this: In the hospital, they will tell you that you need to pass gas before you are moved from "liquid diet" to "unrestricted diet", as far as the kitchen staff is concerned. You will likely lie and tell a nurse that you totally farted last night while your husband was asleep, because you cannot wait another minute to be off the stupid liquid diet. And then you will try so so so so hard to actually break wind during the rest of your hospital stay, but it will be too scary. So when you finally do get home and manage to make one come out, it is completely acceptable to feel like a parade should be thrown in your honor.

6) People will tell you how awesome you look for having just given birth. It will be up to you whether or not you disclose that you are wearing an "abdominal binder" (i.e., a hospital-issue corset, stained with your blood on the back from where they put the epidural) that is sucking everything in and smoothing everything out. I will not judge you one way or another. I will, however, tell you that you should be so lucky as to have a mom like mine who, after a few days of looking at said bloodstain peeking out from the back of your shirts, says, "Why don't I soak that in some OxyClean overnight for you?"

7) Do not be alarmed when, about four days after your surgery, you go to the bathroom and while sitting on the toilet, you notice that it looks like you are wearing dark purple underwear. You were probably not listening to the doctor who told you before you were discharged that you would have some significant bruising. But your husband was listening, and he will calm you down. Oh, also, that bruise will hurt. A lot.

8) Don't pick the scab that has formed right along the edge of your incision, as tempting as it may be. (I have not done this. Honestly. But those of you who know me well realize what an incredible accomplishment this is.)

9) Do not be embarrassed to sneeze in public. With a pillow jammed into your abdomen. And while folding yourself in half at the waist with your head nearly touching the floor. It is literally the only way you can ensure that your guts don't explode all over everything within a twelve foot radius. And which of those two images would people at the grocery store prefer?

10) Just kidding. You aren't going out in public. You aren't even allowed to drive.

11) You had better like sleeping flat on your back. Hopefully you got your fill of side-sleeping during the 40 weeks of pregnancy, because doing that for more than two minutes will- you guessed it- make you feel like your guts are going to explode all over everything within a twelve foot radius.

12) Unfortunately, about two days after you come home from the hospital, your toddler will develop an insatiable need to wrestle, kick, and pummel you at every opportunity. He will eventually learn to take the phrase "Mommy has a hurt, Don't kick my tummy" seriously. So right around the time that your milk comes in, he will kick you in that one boob that is seriously engorged instead. Try not to scream at him too loudly. After all, he is just avoiding your tummy like you asked.

13) Oh, and that lady? The one who commented on the total hippie blog you read occasionally? The one who said she considers "all c-sections failures"? Don't give her the satisfaction of responding to her asinine comment. And don't wish too hard that you knew where she lived so you could drive to her place and kick her in the crotch (so her bruise would match yours). In fact, distance yourself from all those stupid blogs, facebook pages, etc. Because this experience has taught you that a lot of that stuff is just another way for moms to make other moms feel guilty about not doing things their way. And it is okay to be more of a "middle of the road hippie", because you have learned that clearly, you are not a "homebirth at all costs hippie" or a "go against any advice given by an OB hippie" (and it's a good thing, since those things would have probably been disastrous for you and your baby).

So there you have it. Just some pointers for those of you who may find yourself in a similar situation someday (alliteration much?). I hope it has helped.

And for the record, I totally still love my baby. I just do not love waiting for my body to heal so I can be a normal mom to him and his brother.

The next post will be nothing but cute pictures of my kids, I swear. No more words.